Death in the Australian Outback by Anthony E Thorogood

Author:Anthony E Thorogood
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: laugh out loud, comedy crime, comedy mystery, humor black, satire comedy, satire humor, comedy action, comedy jokes, comedy horror, humor thriller

Three: The Body in the Tomatoes

'We found the body in the tomatoes, he'd hung himself from the rafters in the tomato house,' said Bigfoot. 'I will never forget that sight. I've seen it all, I was in the Vietnam War but I nearly threw up when I saw that body. Then I saw the tomatoes, they looked too good to waste, red and ripe and plump and juicy, so I took a bagful home to have with my tea. I fried them up with sausages, bacon and eggs, delicious.'

I was writing a report for Head Office, the report was of an investigation into a murder that happened quite a few years before I joined TURDS, the Tactical Urgent Response Detection Squad a wing of APES, the Australian Police Executive Service. The squad back then consisted of Bigfoot, the head honcho and Littlefoot, who thought he was the head honcho but now they had me, Sergeant Elizabeth West, so all the backlog of reports, going back years, was getting written up.

'I need the name of the deceased,' I said

'Angelonia Messioni.'

'Italian?'

'Italian decent.'

'Age?'

'Early 40's.'

'Can you be more precise?'

'More or less forty five.'

'I need to know exactly.'

'Forty five years, three months and seven days.'

'Height?'

'Oh about this high,' said Bigfoot waving his arm about in the air.

'Which would be?'

'Five foot five inches.'

'Eyes?'

'Brown or were they blue?'

'Exactly.'

'Brownish.'

'Hair colour?'

'Brown.'

'Any distinguishing marks?'

'He had a mole on his left cheek.'

'Okay, from the beginning, what happened?' I said.

'We were in Adelaide on a secret mission,' said Littlefoot, 'tracking down a Russian spy.'

'We were after a girl who jumped ship, it was a Russian ship and the girl was Russian, she'd asked for political asylum and then gone to earth,' said Bigfoot.

'The Russian embassy was stirring up a stink,' said Littlefoot.

'She did a photograph session for playboy.'

'We used that for identification purposes.'

'She had some lovely distinguishing features.'

'I don't want to know,' I said.

'We decided that we needed a full frontal visual identification.'

'The report fellas, on the body in the tomatoes!' I said.

'Yes well, we were in Adelaide interviewing Natanya,' said Bigfoot. 'I told her that she had an interesting personality.'

'She liked me from the moment we first walked into the room,' said Littlefoot.

'She did not, she thought she could win you over by flashing her eyes at you.'

'We were mutually attracted,' said Littlefoot.

'Anyway she was a looker so we were giving her the first degree.'

'And enjoying every minute of it no doubt,' I said.

'And wouldn't you just know it…' said Bigfoot.

'…the telephone rang,' said Littlefoot.

'There was a suspicious suicide in the Riverland.'

'And they wanted TURDS to look into it.'

'So Lambkin and I…'

'Don't call me that and anyway my name's soon to be Commander Lambkin…I mean Commander Littlefoot.'

'In your dreams.'

'Call me Lambkin and I'll kill you.'

'You are cruising for a bruising Littlefella,' said Bigfoot.

'I'll tear out your bloody heart and eat it while it's still beating,' shouted Littlefoot jumping up and sparring with the air.'

'Enough!' I said, 'the report.'

'Right, the telephone rang...'

'…a suspicious murder in the Riverland...'

'…in a hot house...'

'…in the tomato house to be exact.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.